bad days.



This last weekend was one of the worst ones I've had in quite awhile. I truly can't remember the last time my health was as bad as it was this weekend, but maybe I just subconsciously repress those memories. Who wants to remember the bad days anyway?


Friday:

I woke up early to go to my immunologists office to get my biweekly Xolair injections and I even had enough time to stop and fill up my gas tank. This was a good sign that I wasn't running late, so I got a coffee and a protein bar for the drive. About five-ish minutes into the drive, my back started hurting. It was high up and I was praying that it was just period cramps. By the time I got to the doctors office, I knew it was a kidney stone, though. I made it to work after waiting the mandatory 30 minutes after the shots in case I have a reaction (just a small bump on one arm this time). I managed to go over the topics my coworker and I needed to address and then I was done. I had to go home. My coworker followed my home, which I'm thankful for, but I honestly needed someone there with me. The pain made it hard to get out of my car and into my house with my jumping dog. As soon as I stepped in and didn't have to mask the pain any longer, my body went into a full reaction. My mouth started going numb and my face was swelling. Tylenol PM and benadryl were taken and I slept the rest of the day. I managed to pass my kidney stone that night because as soon as I went to the bathroom, all of the pain just disappeared. My body was sore, but I could breathe again.

Saturday:

It was a good day. I was able to do my laundry, get ready for the day and practice some self portraits. Just a small coughing attack, but everything was pretty great.

Sunday:

Something was off, but I couldn't tell what. I stayed in bed most of the day until I knew I had to feed myself. I got a small burrito, something I had been craving, and it was the first (& only) thing I had to eat. I immediately projectile vomited. That then led to my throat closing and I soon realize my mouth was bleeding. I shoved some benadryl down my throat while I could and waited. I was able to breathe, so chose not to use my epi-pen. As soon as things started to calm down, my back started to ache. Praying this was finally my period, because it was due soon, I was wrong. Another kidney stone and this pain was going to make me want to die. I shook, vomited and cried. I debated calling 911, and that's saying something for me. I chugged cups of water; one after the other, about 90% of the cup filled with lemon juice. I knew what I had to do to pass it, it just hurt so fucking much. Do I want to go to the emergency room and risk getting whatever is spreading around the department and then be told that I have to pass this on my own, or take the chance that just maybe they'd help me? It wasn't worth it to me. I ended up crying in pain until around 4am and finally passed the stone.


It's bad days like this that remind me that my body is no longer mine. I am punched in the face with realization that I have no control the only thing a person.

Because I'm trying my best to be a chronic illness advocate, I shared everything on my instagram to bring awareness to every side of dealing with being sick. I got multiple messages from people, which I'm extremely grateful for. Some of the messages saying "You're so strong for dealing with this" and that made me want to bring up some things.

Being chronically ill and strength do not go hand in hand to me. I have never felt weaker in my life than I do now, especially when I have bad days. I was not given a choice to "deal" with any of this and I'm so upset by that. It's not fair that I got sick and that I get to be deemed "strong" because I haven't unalived myself because of my health. I grieve my old body every single day. I have held funerals for who I used to be and the future I had to give up because of this. I am not strong.